EXISTENTIAL RISKS – RED EYE REPORT – 221

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about Existential Risks. Is the human race doomed to go extinct within the next couple of centuries or even sooner? Don’t worry, we’ll find out through completely uninformed discourse.

With me this week is Asteroid Ashtray. His balls all so big and leaden they rest at the bottom of the toilet bowl when he takes a shit. This lead to an annoying cleanup process that takes hours and thus consumes massive amounts of time. If only there was someone out there that could sell him a custom made toilet for men with giant genitalia and a time machine to turn back the clock…

Next to him is Magnitude Mistic. There are many dangerous objects lurking in our universe just waiting to destroy us. I’m talking black holes, gamma-ray bursts, and exploding stars. Nothing is more dangerous than the Facebook troll beast that is Mistic. He attacks indiscriminately. Lock up your grandmother, because the beast awaits.

We also have Biotechnology Teddy. Many scientists thought Teddy was a harmly nerd with nerd shirts. They were wrong though. Teddy was genetically engineered in a Detroit laboratory. He was crafted from water piped in from Flint, MI, a sprinkle of waiting in a bank line hate, and a ground up Atari, E.T. The Game cartridge. After the scientists realized what they created, they buried the E.T. cartridges in the desert and shipped their weapon to Tennessee. Will this creature succeed in its mission to destroy the human race? This remains to be seen.

Finally, there’s me Overflow Oracle. I’m overflowing with many things: good looks, gas, semen, dental bills, and trepidation about the end of the world. Well, fuck it. Turns out I’ve been staring apocalypse in the face for the past seven years. Staring it right in the eye. The red eye. Welcome to the Red Eye Report.