LASERS (SHINE ME IN THE EYE AGAIN AND I WILL STAB YOUR PARROT) – RED EYE REPORT 225

On the episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about lasers. What the fuck is a laser? Is it made from magic beans? No, you dumbshit. It is not.

Are there lasers that you can buy on Amazon that will cause permanent blindness and pop balloons? Yes.

With me this week is Aperture Ashtray. He can shoot a laser beam out of his asshole if you ask him nicely. Ashtray is like that X-men guy with the classes, accept he wears anexcept obsidian diaper to keep us all safe. Don’t make him take that diaper off.

Next to Ashtray is Target LSR Teddy. Sounds like a cool military weapon, huh? Wrong again losers. The target stands for the retail chain. You know, the one with all the yoga pants. LSR stands for “Lewd Sandwich Regurgitator.” Teddy earned this title after it was discovered that he frequently sneaks around Target, puking half-chewed sandwiches into coat sleeves and baby carriages. That’s why I shop at Aldi.

We also have Masturbater with the Mega Laser Mistic. He gets off by “touching” unsuspected women with his high powered infrared laser canon. He’s actually blasting your mom as we speak.

And finally, we have me, Optics Oracle. My dream is to put all of this awesome laser technology to good use. I propose that we mount a huge visible laser to the international space station and blast it down into the jungles of India or rural Texas. Sure, we might start a massive forest fire, but we might also attract a mondo beast tiger. Was that retarded? Yes. And we’re just getting warmed up. Welcome to the Red Eye Report ladies and gentlemen.