Red Eye Report

EXISTENTIAL RISKS – RED EYE REPORT – 221

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about Existential Risks. Is the human race doomed to go extinct within the next couple of centuries or even sooner? Don’t worry, we’ll find out through completely uninformed discourse.
With me this week is Asteroid Ashtray. His balls all so big and leaden they rest at the bottom of the toilet bowl when he takes a shit. This lead to an annoying cleanup process that takes hours and thus consumes massive amounts of time. If only there was someone out there that could sell him a custom made toilet for men with giant genitalia and a time machine to turn back the clock…
Next to him is Magnitude Mistic. There are many dangerous objects lurking in our universe just waiting to destroy us. I’m talking black holes, gamma-ray bursts, and exploding stars. Nothing is more dangerous than the Facebook troll beast that is Mistic. He attacks indiscriminately. Lock up your grandmother, because the beast awaits.
We also have Biotechnology Teddy. Many scientists thought Teddy was a harmly nerd with nerd shirts. They were wrong though. Teddy was genetically engineered in a Detroit laboratory. He was crafted from water piped in from Flint, MI, a sprinkle of waiting in a bank line hate, and a ground up Atari, E.T. The Game cartridge. After the scientists realized what they created, they buried the E.T. cartridges in the desert and shipped their weapon to Tennessee. Will this creature succeed in its mission to destroy the human race? This remains to be seen.
Finally, there’s me Overflow Oracle. I’m overflowing with many things: good looks, gas, semen, dental bills, and trepidation about the end of the world. Well, fuck it. Turns out I’ve been staring apocalypse in the face for the past seven years. Staring it right in the eye. The red eye. Welcome to the Red Eye Report.

VACATIONS – RED EYE REPORT 220

In this episode of the Red Eye Report we talk about vacations, we listen to Oracle trying to convince us that his cat is not dead and stuffed, and as usual, we listen to Ashtray ramble on about some bullshit.
Speaking of Ashtray he's with us this week. Ashtray's been busy this week. if you look closely that orange thing that is microphone is on it's actually a dildo, and he's getting a little tired of it so he's been searching Craigslist for used ones to replace it.
Next, we have the Mistic. This week marks the longest time Mistic has not been banned from Facebook for insulting a Trump supporter. Way to go Mistic.
Then we have the all-seeing Oracle. If Oracle appears jittery in his camera, don't worry he's not going through cocaine and heroin withdrawal. He's just not used to seeing things outside of VR.
Finally, I'm Teddy, and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Teddy your intros are usually funnier and have a lot more zing. Well, thank you public. I'm glad you noticed. And the reason that this intro sucks is because Ashtray wrote it. And this is the Red Eye Report.

BIG PHARMA – RED EYE REPORT 219

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we discuss Big Pharma. We tell you what's sexy and what to fuck, and as usual, we submit new definitions for “Polish car bomb” to Urban dictionary, only to have them all rejected. With me this week is the soot-covered Ashtray.
Ashtrays only run in with Big Pharma was when he got the wrong medicine for his gout. He ended up getting some pretty hardcore urges, which made him suck 4 different homeless dicks in a park before they figured it out. Those side effects are getting ridiculous.
Next to him is the Fluffy Teddy Bear. Teddy doesn’t believe in modern medicine so he has no need for Big Pharma. Until he gets Ghonorrea from some sluts off tinder, then it’s all help me Big Pharma, Help me.
We’ve also got an all seeing Oracle. He used to be in charge of a Pharmaceutical company. Until he tried marketing a pill for drinking. It wasn’t to stop it. But to get you instantly fucked up. The slogan was, what could possibly go wrong? The answer, about a million things. There’s video proof.
Last and least, I’m the Mistic and Big Pharma used to be my nickname in High School. I had everything, uppers, downers, sidewaysers, dick slickers, Polish car bombs and obviously, pink nipple fritters and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!!!

RELATED TO EVIL – RED EYE REPORT 218

On tonight’s stream of the Red Eye Report, we talk about the parents and family of mass murderers.
First off we have the Mistic. He’s no mass murderer, but he sure kills it in the handicap toilet stall! His new
Mandatory poop joke out of the way, next we have Teddy, and he named his penis; Steamboat Willie.
Then there’s Oracle. He just got the new PS4-VR setup, and the new game Dolphin Dinner Date. It’s an immersive experience where you take a dolphin out to the supper club and try to seduce them with clicks and whistles while hand feeding them fish sticks and old fashioneds. He’s been telling his girlfriend he’s playing “Papers Please”.
And I’m the Ashtray and my penis pump is called the Dong Dinger, and it has pinstripes!
And this is the Red Eye Report!!

WORLD’S FAIR – RED EYE REPORT 217

On tonight’s stream of the Red Eye Report, we talk about the World’s Fair a.k.a the biggest dick measuring contest on the planet.
With me tonight is Teddy. He was actually a part of the 1982 World’s Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee. Teddy was inside one of those little R2D2 robots until a horse from one of the exhibitions kicks him over the rail and into the river. His life is showbiz hasn’t improved since.
Next to Teddy we have Ashtray. He was the DJ at the turn of the millennium party held in Hannover, Germany in 2000. Ashtray played all the big hits: Brittany Spears, Cher, Christina Aguilera. Then he tried slipping in some Limp Bizkit. Let’s just say they went Du Hast on his ass and he was never invited back.
We also have Mistic. He was at the expo of ‘74 in Spokane, Washington. The event was supposed to be about “Celebrating Tomorrow’s Fresh Environment.” The global hippies couldn’t have anticipated Mistic’s unique scent of 4 month without a shower ball cheese, regurgitated pubes, and taco bell diarrhea. Attendance for the expo ended up being the lowest recorded in 100 years.
Finally there's me, Oracle. My last fair was 1893 in Chicago— you know, the most important one, The World’s Colombian Exposition. There was a lot of cocaine. Oh yeah, and some dipshit invented the zipper….because he was high on cocaine. Ohhhh the good ole days. This is the Red Eye Report.

NCAA – RED EYE REPORT 216

We talk about the NCAA on this one. We deleted the outline accidentaly. You're fucking welcome.

STAN LEE – RED EYE REPORT 215

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we discuss Stanley Martin Lieber, better known as Stan Lee. We out stay our welcome in almost every aspect of our lives and as usual, we incessantly joke about fucking everyone’s mothers. With me single-handedly this week is the all-seeing Oracle. Oracle once wrote a comic book. It was a teen drama about navigating puberty, High School and Dolphin rape. It was sort of a niche comic. In fact, it only sold two copies. Both to his mother. She’s never been the same. Speaking of rape, next to Oracle, we have a flu infested Ashtray. That comic that Oracle wrote, Ashtray drew. Critics said that Ashtray, through effective use of Depth of field and shadows, created a world that brought the Dolphin rape to life. In fact, both people that bought copies, vomited. Again, that was Oracle's mom. Both of them. The more serious Comic Connoisseur among us it Teddy. Teddy’s never written or drawn a comic. But he does own the world record for largest amount of superhero outfits for someone over the age of 12. Last and least, I’m the Mistic. Nobody knows this but I have a superpower. Laser vision? Invisibility? No…..I can single handedly eat a Dunkin Donuts out of business on all you can eat Bavarian Cream day. And this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!! Stan Leehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stan_Leehttps://ew.com/movies/2018/11/21/bill-maher-stan-lee-comments-reaction/https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_American_comics_creators What’s Sexy Mystic: “NRA Membership levels” Oracle: Master of Arms on Discovery Channel https://youtu.be/oPLjOXzRG_I Ashtray: Idiot has to pay for gender reveal forest firehttps://www.channel3000.com/news/shareable-stories/gender-reveal-party-ignited-a-47-000-acre-wildfire/896814384 Teddy: Horizon: Zero Dawn https://youtu.be/lwI6-jKlsO0 Fuck What You Think Mystic: Missionary Positionhttps://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2018/11/27/missionary-didn-die-from-tribesmen-arrows-was-killed-his-own-arrogance/QSblpdBocWWSs3HeS94TYP/story.html Oracle: Over-the-top Christmas decorations Ashtray: Fever dreams Teddy: PlayStation UI In all Seriousness: Go fuck yourself Warsaw, Poland. That’s our show, we’re gonna be here every Wednesday night at 10pm central, make sure you join the conversation at theredeyereport.com or facebook.com/theredeyereport…..you can also twittle us at twitter.com/red_eye_report….like us, share us, or fuck us, we’re down for whatever. I’m the Mistic…………….and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!

LAND MINES – RED EYE REPORT 214

Tonight we’re talking about land mines. Another thrilling topic from Ashtray; the brilliant mind behind “Plumbing” and “Flood Insurance”! First we have Teddy. He eats ass, and he’s proud of it. As a fellow ass eater, I approve his message - That Oracle and Mistic can go eat a dick! Then there’s cock in the mouth Oracle. Some may say that’s fake news, and that I have no evidence Oracle has a penis in or near his mouth. I say; I’m sticking to Teddy’s message. There were cocks on many sides, many sides … And don’t forget weiner lips Mistic. He missed voting yesterday after getting ejected for campaigning at a polling place. Really it was just emotional support parrot who kept screaming MAGA!! Grab em by the pussy! Vote Trump! MAGA!! And I’m Ashtray. Like Teddy, I eat turds! ASS! I mean ASS And this is the Red Eye Report!! Land Mineshttps://www.care.org/emergencies/facts-about-landmines#Q9https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Land_minehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S-minehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_munition Rats sniff out mineshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0swUc492hU Flail tankhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqY39bCPeVM What’s Sexy Mystic: Wisconsin Recount Law Oracle: What Cheer Writers Clubhttps://www.whatcheerclub.org/ Ashtray: Halloween Candy Teddy: No more fucking campaign ads Fuck What You Think Mystic: House of Cards Oracle: Crazy Amazon Reviews Ashtray: Dick hole Brian Kemphttps://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/georgia-posts-private-information-of-300000-absentee-voters/ar-BBPsGN2?ocid=spartanntp Teddy: Brie Larson's shitty Samushttps://movieweb.com/metroid-movie-brie-larson-samus-costume-halloween/ In all Seriousness: Go fuck yourself Depew, New York. That’s our show, we’re gonna be here every Wednesday night at 10pm central, make sure you join the conversation at theredeyereport.com or facebook.com/theredeyereport…..you can also twittle us at twitter.com/red_eye_report….like us, share us, or fuck us, we’re down for whatever. I’m the Mistic…………….and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!

SPOOKY PLACES - RED EYE REPORT 213

Tonight we’re talking about spooky places. Do you believe in gagagaghosts?
Speaking of spooky places, Ashtray comes to us live from his spooky apartment. Well, I guess it’s not spooky if you’re packing a sawed-off shotgun and have had your orifices sewn shut. I don’t know where the fuck I’m going with this.

MORE PET SHIT - RED EYE REPORT 212

On this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about pets. We listen to Oracle’s lies about his triumph of the great flea war, and we bring some fucking sexy.
With me this week is Ashtray. Ashtray has a deep pet secret that he doesn’t want you to know. When he thinks no one is looking he likes to put on cat ears climb in Tootsie’s cat carrier and remember the old days. While masturbating.