Red Eye Report

GENERATIONS – RED EYE REPORT 229

In this week’s episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about Generations. Are you confused about being a millennial, generation x, or are you one of those slick generation Z’s--we’ll break it down for you.
With me this week is Ashtray. Ashtray is a man born in the wrong time. He fancies himself as more of a Greatest Generation cat, or born in 1924 or earlier. Ashtray wasn’t destined to be a WWII hero or anything, you see, the greatest generation is also known as the G.I. Generation, and Ashtray has had a gastrointestinal infection for about as long as it took them to wrap up WWII. God help the poor fucker that has to use the bathroom after he does.
Next to Ashtray is Gen X Mistic. He thinks he’s so cool being around the rise of MTV and the fall of communism. Well guess what. You were also around for the birth of Cabbage Patch Dolls and New Coke. So fuck off.
We also have Timeless Teddy. Teddy is like the Red Eye Report’s own version of Alf. For you Gen Zs out there, Alf was a cat eating puppet alien. Instead of eating cats, Teddy likes to eat mounds of Brazilian grandma meat. I know it’s fucked up and weird, but so is an anteater looking alien that eats cats. What can I say, we’re just too far ahead of the times here on the Red Eye Report.
Finally, there’s me, Oracle. I’m a Millennial trapped in the body of a Baby Boomer, with the maturity of a Gen Zer. That’s my story anyway, for when they finally indict me for being a part of this show. A small price to pay to go down in history as a part of the nuclear trainwreck. THAT IS THE RED EYE REPORT.
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SCANDALS AND CORRUPTION – RED EYE REPORT 228

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about scandals and two of the evilest greedy white men you have ever heard of. I try to stay awake while Ashtray is talking. And we tell you to go fuck yourself and curse a lot as usual.
With us this week is Ashtray. Ashtray's on the lam after we discovered Betty subjected his father to slave labor while making those horrible fucking my light lighters. Like an idiot he posted pics of his father chained to a desk doing manual labor, leading to the scandal investigation.
Next to him is the Mistic. Mistic was briefly indicted for The disappearance of his long-lost love his buddy Heyrod, but when it was discovered that Heyrod was not missing just hibernating under a bunch of dirty clothes the charges are dropped.
Then there's Oracle. Oracle was investigated when a dog at one of the bases he was stationed at was found beaten to death in a sack. But since he had a solid alibi and no murder weapon was ever found he was honorably discharged.
And finally, I'm Teddy. I'm black so just pick something and I've probably done it or been charged with it. and my agreement with mistic he wants me to tell everybody that he loves the cock I don't know why but I think he's brave for coming out and saying it and this is the Red Eye Report.
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RELIGIONS – RED EYE REPORT 227

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk God. We trample the dreams of multiple prepubescent girls and as usual, we regurgitate shit we heard on Facebook.
With me this week is the all-seeing Oracle. Obviously, Oracle has his own religion. It’s called dafuckoutmyfaceism. He and Jessie Ventura are the only known practicing members. They only meet at a roadside truck stop once every five years. They buy a cup of gross 4-hour old coffee and stare at each other for exactly 14 minutes, saying nothing but insults.
Next to him, we have a fluffy Teddy Bear. Teddy is a Scientologist, obviously. We have audio of him joining the cult, I mean religion from a few years ago. He’s not quite at Tom Cruise levels, but he’s getting there. Hail Xenu Teddy.
Then there’s a soot covered Ashtray. He was a pretty devout Catholic up until three years ago. He was excommunicated for taking the virginity of multiple Nuns. Where did he take them, you ask. To the corner, where he pimped em out to support his cocaine habit.
Last and least, I’m the Mistic. Fuck religion, it’s all bullshit and if you believe in God, you’re a fucking moron. And this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!
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ANIMAL ATTACKS! – RED EYE REPORT 226

This week on the Red Eye Report we are talking about animal attacks!
It’s a jam-packed 5-way show tonight with Manatee Mistic, Orangutan Oracle, Toucan Teddy, myself Albatross Ashtray, and our special guest Tiger Treat Travis! Who brought the lube and a scratching post?
This is the RED EYE REPORT

LASERS (SHINE ME IN THE EYE AGAIN AND I WILL STAB YOUR PARROT) – RED EYE REPORT 225

On the episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about lasers. What the fuck is a laser? Is it made from magic beans? No, you dumbshit. It is not.
Are there lasers that you can buy on Amazon that will cause permanent blindness and pop balloons? Yes.
With me this week is Aperture Ashtray. He can shoot a laser beam out of his asshole if you ask him nicely. Ashtray is like that X-men guy with the classes, accept he wears anexcept obsidian diaper to keep us all safe. Don’t make him take that diaper off.
Next to Ashtray is Target LSR Teddy. Sounds like a cool military weapon, huh? Wrong again losers. The target stands for the retail chain. You know, the one with all the yoga pants. LSR stands for “Lewd Sandwich Regurgitator.” Teddy earned this title after it was discovered that he frequently sneaks around Target, puking half-chewed sandwiches into coat sleeves and baby carriages. That’s why I shop at Aldi.
We also have Masturbater with the Mega Laser Mistic. He gets off by “touching” unsuspected women with his high powered infrared laser canon. He’s actually blasting your mom as we speak.
And finally, we have me, Optics Oracle. My dream is to put all of this awesome laser technology to good use. I propose that we mount a huge visible laser to the international space station and blast it down into the jungles of India or rural Texas. Sure, we might start a massive forest fire, but we might also attract a mondo beast tiger. Was that retarded? Yes. And we’re just getting warmed up. Welcome to the Red Eye Report ladies and gentlemen.

AMUSEMENT PARKS (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT THEUP ABOUT AMUSEMENT PARKS) – RED EYE REPORT 224

Teddy was too lazy to write up an intro. Watch the trainwreck that ensues in the video. Oh yeah, and we talk about Garth Brooks.
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THE CIRCUS – RED EYE REPORT 223

Come one, come all and join us for the greatest show on Facebook. From fearless dick jokes, hopeless minority bashing, excessive fucking swearing and four dudes with nothing better to do on a weekday, the Red Eye Report will both tickle and arouse your senses.
A long time staple of our fabulous show, is the all seeing Oracle. Oracle’s been around so long that he’s done it all here at the Big top. He’s been a pixie dust spreader on a tilt a whirl. He’s guessed peoples weight. Hell, we even let him make the saltwater taffy once. Til 7 year olds started running around with pupils the size of quarters, screaming about massive 12 armed aardvarks chasing them. Now he’s in accounting.
We’ve also got a fluffy Teddy Bear. Teddy has one job at our family friendly Circus. Unfortunately, we don’t know what it is. And he wouldn’t do it anyway. So, he just hangs out and yells at white people.
We’ve also got a soot-covered Ashtray. Ashtray's been our main sideshow attraction for quite some time. The masterful way that he destroys any argument with his old man questions and hipster platitudes has taken many a prideful intellectual down a few pegs. He’s our single biggest asset and frankly we couldn’t do the show without him. At least that’s what we tell him. So we can continue using his contacts with the Democratic underground Asian prostitution rings that are being run out of his house.
Last and least, I’m the Mistic. Some have referred to me as the ringmaster. Really though, that’s just a fancy name for the fat guy who sits around and collects all the profit while everyone else does the work. And this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!

KIDNAPPINGS – RED EYE REPORT 222

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about kidnappings that scared the world and captivated the media. No children were harmed in the making of this podcast, but they may have been slapped around a little.
First of we have Oracle. His preferred method of kidnapping is the classic burlap sack.
Nothing perverted though … he just wanted to record their mercy cries for his artsy fartsy creative writing podcast.
Next is Teddy, he was kidnapped in his youth from Detroit and forced to Tennessee by his captors. To this day, whenever anyone asks where he’s from, he still draws hope by saying, DETROIT.
Then we have Mistic. He’s the opposite. He’s a kidgiver. Anyone willing to take his daughters off his hands for the night was fine by him. It gave him a chance to “take the boot off” for the Missus - if you know what I mean.
And I’m Ashtray. I tell people I don’t like kidnapping kids because they are more maintenance than a cat, which is true. But I also tell people, you have to find a new one, to bury the old one.
AND THIS IS THE RED EYE REPORT!!

EXISTENTIAL RISKS – RED EYE REPORT – 221

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about Existential Risks. Is the human race doomed to go extinct within the next couple of centuries or even sooner? Don’t worry, we’ll find out through completely uninformed discourse.
With me this week is Asteroid Ashtray. His balls all so big and leaden they rest at the bottom of the toilet bowl when he takes a shit. This lead to an annoying cleanup process that takes hours and thus consumes massive amounts of time. If only there was someone out there that could sell him a custom made toilet for men with giant genitalia and a time machine to turn back the clock…
Next to him is Magnitude Mistic. There are many dangerous objects lurking in our universe just waiting to destroy us. I’m talking black holes, gamma-ray bursts, and exploding stars. Nothing is more dangerous than the Facebook troll beast that is Mistic. He attacks indiscriminately. Lock up your grandmother, because the beast awaits.
We also have Biotechnology Teddy. Many scientists thought Teddy was a harmly nerd with nerd shirts. They were wrong though. Teddy was genetically engineered in a Detroit laboratory. He was crafted from water piped in from Flint, MI, a sprinkle of waiting in a bank line hate, and a ground up Atari, E.T. The Game cartridge. After the scientists realized what they created, they buried the E.T. cartridges in the desert and shipped their weapon to Tennessee. Will this creature succeed in its mission to destroy the human race? This remains to be seen.
Finally, there’s me Overflow Oracle. I’m overflowing with many things: good looks, gas, semen, dental bills, and trepidation about the end of the world. Well, fuck it. Turns out I’ve been staring apocalypse in the face for the past seven years. Staring it right in the eye. The red eye. Welcome to the Red Eye Report.

VACATIONS – RED EYE REPORT 220

In this episode of the Red Eye Report we talk about vacations, we listen to Oracle trying to convince us that his cat is not dead and stuffed, and as usual, we listen to Ashtray ramble on about some bullshit.
Speaking of Ashtray he's with us this week. Ashtray's been busy this week. if you look closely that orange thing that is microphone is on it's actually a dildo, and he's getting a little tired of it so he's been searching Craigslist for used ones to replace it.
Next, we have the Mistic. This week marks the longest time Mistic has not been banned from Facebook for insulting a Trump supporter. Way to go Mistic.
Then we have the all-seeing Oracle. If Oracle appears jittery in his camera, don't worry he's not going through cocaine and heroin withdrawal. He's just not used to seeing things outside of VR.
Finally, I'm Teddy, and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Teddy your intros are usually funnier and have a lot more zing. Well, thank you public. I'm glad you noticed. And the reason that this intro sucks is because Ashtray wrote it. And this is the Red Eye Report.