Red Eye Report

In this episode of the Red Eye Report we talk about dogs, we listen to Mistic rant about something, and as usual, we all give Ashtray shit.
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Weed and killin'.

Tonight on the Red Eye Report, we’re gonna update you about them evil sumbitches we first told you about years ago: ISIS - or Dash, as our Middle Eastern listeners would call them. Or Cray-Cray, as the former bad boys Al Qaeda have called them.
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Tonight on the Red Eye Report, we discuss memory. What do we know about making memories? How can we improve our memory? How good is your memory?
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In this episode of the Red Eye Report we talked about cheaters, we tried to pry Oracle back to the real world for the road of VR and as always cuss a whole goddamn lot.
With us tonight is Ashtray. Ashtray's a little testy tonight because he doesn't appreciate me and Mistic's criticism over what he describes as food that he cooked. Now to be fair, he didn't cook any food. What he made was overcooked dried noodles which I don't even know how the fuck you do that with what looks like hot shit and tomatoes mixed with a little racism. So he's going to be a little gassy.
Next to him we have Oracle. He's on a secret mission to get his dad bod that rivals the great Mistic's. How will he accomplish this you might ask? By eating all of his students' food and not sharing any with his girlfriend.
Then there's the Mistic. Mistic had two of his greatest dreams come true the other night when he was mistaken for Guy Fieri at a Smash Mouth concert. And he won't stop talking about it.
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Here’s a story, of a bear named Teddy, who was online when he met this guy once. That guy said hey dude can you be our token, but then that guy left cuz he’s a cunt.
We’ve also got this guy by the name of Oracle. Whos been around since day 1. Sometimes he gets drunk and yells at co-eds, but at least he didn’t show them his hairy nuts.
The baby of the group is named Ashtray. He replaced the cunt who’s name I forgot. Ashtrays kind of slow. But we love his antics, even when he can’t remember stuff.
Then one day these assholes met this Fat man. Who said, he guys, let’s meet up and talk some shit. That was half a decade or more ago though, after so many dick jokes and floppy tits. The Red Eye Report…...The Red Eye Report…….and that’s the way we became the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!!
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This week on the Red Eye Report we are talking about those Middle Eastern knuckleheads Israel and Palestine.
With us on the trip we have Mistic; who refused to go visit the Wailing Wall - no matter how many times we tried to explain: It’s not that kind of whaling.
Then there is hungover Oracle who stumbled out of the hotel in his bathrobe and dad bod and Walgreens sunglasses, so we called him The Dude. But the locals think he’s white Jesus.
Nobody fucked with Teddy, though. He wore his Black Panther shirt and is telling everyone he’s from Wakanda.
And I’m Ashtray, who learned the Gaza Strip is a sad shit show … and definitely not a gentlemen’s club.
And this is the RED EYE REPORT

In this week’s episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about Generations. Are you confused about being a millennial, generation x, or are you one of those slick generation Z’s--we’ll break it down for you.
With me this week is Ashtray. Ashtray is a man born in the wrong time. He fancies himself as more of a Greatest Generation cat, or born in 1924 or earlier. Ashtray wasn’t destined to be a WWII hero or anything, you see, the greatest generation is also known as the G.I. Generation, and Ashtray has had a gastrointestinal infection for about as long as it took them to wrap up WWII. God help the poor fucker that has to use the bathroom after he does.
Next to Ashtray is Gen X Mistic. He thinks he’s so cool being around the rise of MTV and the fall of communism. Well guess what. You were also around for the birth of Cabbage Patch Dolls and New Coke. So fuck off.
We also have Timeless Teddy. Teddy is like the Red Eye Report’s own version of Alf. For you Gen Zs out there, Alf was a cat eating puppet alien. Instead of eating cats, Teddy likes to eat mounds of Brazilian grandma meat. I know it’s fucked up and weird, but so is an anteater looking alien that eats cats. What can I say, we’re just too far ahead of the times here on the Red Eye Report.
Finally, there’s me, Oracle. I’m a Millennial trapped in the body of a Baby Boomer, with the maturity of a Gen Zer. That’s my story anyway, for when they finally indict me for being a part of this show. A small price to pay to go down in history as a part of the nuclear trainwreck. THAT IS THE RED EYE REPORT.
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In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about scandals and two of the evilest greedy white men you have ever heard of. I try to stay awake while Ashtray is talking. And we tell you to go fuck yourself and curse a lot as usual.
With us this week is Ashtray. Ashtray's on the lam after we discovered Betty subjected his father to slave labor while making those horrible fucking my light lighters. Like an idiot he posted pics of his father chained to a desk doing manual labor, leading to the scandal investigation.
Next to him is the Mistic. Mistic was briefly indicted for The disappearance of his long-lost love his buddy Heyrod, but when it was discovered that Heyrod was not missing just hibernating under a bunch of dirty clothes the charges are dropped.
Then there's Oracle. Oracle was investigated when a dog at one of the bases he was stationed at was found beaten to death in a sack. But since he had a solid alibi and no murder weapon was ever found he was honorably discharged.
And finally, I'm Teddy. I'm black so just pick something and I've probably done it or been charged with it. and my agreement with mistic he wants me to tell everybody that he loves the cock I don't know why but I think he's brave for coming out and saying it and this is the Red Eye Report.
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In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk God. We trample the dreams of multiple prepubescent girls and as usual, we regurgitate shit we heard on Facebook.
With me this week is the all-seeing Oracle. Obviously, Oracle has his own religion. It’s called dafuckoutmyfaceism. He and Jessie Ventura are the only known practicing members. They only meet at a roadside truck stop once every five years. They buy a cup of gross 4-hour old coffee and stare at each other for exactly 14 minutes, saying nothing but insults.
Next to him, we have a fluffy Teddy Bear. Teddy is a Scientologist, obviously. We have audio of him joining the cult, I mean religion from a few years ago. He’s not quite at Tom Cruise levels, but he’s getting there. Hail Xenu Teddy.
Then there’s a soot covered Ashtray. He was a pretty devout Catholic up until three years ago. He was excommunicated for taking the virginity of multiple Nuns. Where did he take them, you ask. To the corner, where he pimped em out to support his cocaine habit.
Last and least, I’m the Mistic. Fuck religion, it’s all bullshit and if you believe in God, you’re a fucking moron. And this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!
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