Red Eye Report

This week on the Red Eye Report we are talking about animal attacks!
It’s a jam-packed 5-way show tonight with Manatee Mistic, Orangutan Oracle, Toucan Teddy, myself Albatross Ashtray, and our special guest Tiger Treat Travis! Who brought the lube and a scratching post?
This is the RED EYE REPORT

On the episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about lasers. What the fuck is a laser? Is it made from magic beans? No, you dumbshit. It is not.
Are there lasers that you can buy on Amazon that will cause permanent blindness and pop balloons? Yes.
With me this week is Aperture Ashtray. He can shoot a laser beam out of his asshole if you ask him nicely. Ashtray is like that X-men guy with the classes, accept he wears anexcept obsidian diaper to keep us all safe. Don’t make him take that diaper off.
Next to Ashtray is Target LSR Teddy. Sounds like a cool military weapon, huh? Wrong again losers. The target stands for the retail chain. You know, the one with all the yoga pants. LSR stands for “Lewd Sandwich Regurgitator.” Teddy earned this title after it was discovered that he frequently sneaks around Target, puking half-chewed sandwiches into coat sleeves and baby carriages. That’s why I shop at Aldi.
We also have Masturbater with the Mega Laser Mistic. He gets off by “touching” unsuspected women with his high powered infrared laser canon. He’s actually blasting your mom as we speak.
And finally, we have me, Optics Oracle. My dream is to put all of this awesome laser technology to good use. I propose that we mount a huge visible laser to the international space station and blast it down into the jungles of India or rural Texas. Sure, we might start a massive forest fire, but we might also attract a mondo beast tiger. Was that retarded? Yes. And we’re just getting warmed up. Welcome to the Red Eye Report ladies and gentlemen.

Teddy was too lazy to write up an intro. Watch the trainwreck that ensues in the video. Oh yeah, and we talk about Garth Brooks.
theredeyereport.com

Come one, come all and join us for the greatest show on Facebook. From fearless dick jokes, hopeless minority bashing, excessive fucking swearing and four dudes with nothing better to do on a weekday, the Red Eye Report will both tickle and arouse your senses.
A long time staple of our fabulous show, is the all seeing Oracle. Oracle’s been around so long that he’s done it all here at the Big top. He’s been a pixie dust spreader on a tilt a whirl. He’s guessed peoples weight. Hell, we even let him make the saltwater taffy once. Til 7 year olds started running around with pupils the size of quarters, screaming about massive 12 armed aardvarks chasing them. Now he’s in accounting.
We’ve also got a fluffy Teddy Bear. Teddy has one job at our family friendly Circus. Unfortunately, we don’t know what it is. And he wouldn’t do it anyway. So, he just hangs out and yells at white people.
We’ve also got a soot-covered Ashtray. Ashtray's been our main sideshow attraction for quite some time. The masterful way that he destroys any argument with his old man questions and hipster platitudes has taken many a prideful intellectual down a few pegs. He’s our single biggest asset and frankly we couldn’t do the show without him. At least that’s what we tell him. So we can continue using his contacts with the Democratic underground Asian prostitution rings that are being run out of his house.
Last and least, I’m the Mistic. Some have referred to me as the ringmaster. Really though, that’s just a fancy name for the fat guy who sits around and collects all the profit while everyone else does the work. And this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about kidnappings that scared the world and captivated the media. No children were harmed in the making of this podcast, but they may have been slapped around a little.
First of we have Oracle. His preferred method of kidnapping is the classic burlap sack.
Nothing perverted though … he just wanted to record their mercy cries for his artsy fartsy creative writing podcast.
Next is Teddy, he was kidnapped in his youth from Detroit and forced to Tennessee by his captors. To this day, whenever anyone asks where he’s from, he still draws hope by saying, DETROIT.
Then we have Mistic. He’s the opposite. He’s a kidgiver. Anyone willing to take his daughters off his hands for the night was fine by him. It gave him a chance to “take the boot off” for the Missus - if you know what I mean.
And I’m Ashtray. I tell people I don’t like kidnapping kids because they are more maintenance than a cat, which is true. But I also tell people, you have to find a new one, to bury the old one.
AND THIS IS THE RED EYE REPORT!!

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about Existential Risks. Is the human race doomed to go extinct within the next couple of centuries or even sooner? Don’t worry, we’ll find out through completely uninformed discourse.
With me this week is Asteroid Ashtray. His balls all so big and leaden they rest at the bottom of the toilet bowl when he takes a shit. This lead to an annoying cleanup process that takes hours and thus consumes massive amounts of time. If only there was someone out there that could sell him a custom made toilet for men with giant genitalia and a time machine to turn back the clock…
Next to him is Magnitude Mistic. There are many dangerous objects lurking in our universe just waiting to destroy us. I’m talking black holes, gamma-ray bursts, and exploding stars. Nothing is more dangerous than the Facebook troll beast that is Mistic. He attacks indiscriminately. Lock up your grandmother, because the beast awaits.
We also have Biotechnology Teddy. Many scientists thought Teddy was a harmly nerd with nerd shirts. They were wrong though. Teddy was genetically engineered in a Detroit laboratory. He was crafted from water piped in from Flint, MI, a sprinkle of waiting in a bank line hate, and a ground up Atari, E.T. The Game cartridge. After the scientists realized what they created, they buried the E.T. cartridges in the desert and shipped their weapon to Tennessee. Will this creature succeed in its mission to destroy the human race? This remains to be seen.
Finally, there’s me Overflow Oracle. I’m overflowing with many things: good looks, gas, semen, dental bills, and trepidation about the end of the world. Well, fuck it. Turns out I’ve been staring apocalypse in the face for the past seven years. Staring it right in the eye. The red eye. Welcome to the Red Eye Report.

In this episode of the Red Eye Report we talk about vacations, we listen to Oracle trying to convince us that his cat is not dead and stuffed, and as usual, we listen to Ashtray ramble on about some bullshit.
Speaking of Ashtray he's with us this week. Ashtray's been busy this week. if you look closely that orange thing that is microphone is on it's actually a dildo, and he's getting a little tired of it so he's been searching Craigslist for used ones to replace it.
Next, we have the Mistic. This week marks the longest time Mistic has not been banned from Facebook for insulting a Trump supporter. Way to go Mistic.
Then we have the all-seeing Oracle. If Oracle appears jittery in his camera, don't worry he's not going through cocaine and heroin withdrawal. He's just not used to seeing things outside of VR.
Finally, I'm Teddy, and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Teddy your intros are usually funnier and have a lot more zing. Well, thank you public. I'm glad you noticed. And the reason that this intro sucks is because Ashtray wrote it. And this is the Red Eye Report.

In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we discuss Big Pharma. We tell you what's sexy and what to fuck, and as usual, we submit new definitions for “Polish car bomb” to Urban dictionary, only to have them all rejected. With me this week is the soot-covered Ashtray.
Ashtrays only run in with Big Pharma was when he got the wrong medicine for his gout. He ended up getting some pretty hardcore urges, which made him suck 4 different homeless dicks in a park before they figured it out. Those side effects are getting ridiculous.
Next to him is the Fluffy Teddy Bear. Teddy doesn’t believe in modern medicine so he has no need for Big Pharma. Until he gets Ghonorrea from some sluts off tinder, then it’s all help me Big Pharma, Help me.
We’ve also got an all seeing Oracle. He used to be in charge of a Pharmaceutical company. Until he tried marketing a pill for drinking. It wasn’t to stop it. But to get you instantly fucked up. The slogan was, what could possibly go wrong? The answer, about a million things. There’s video proof.
Last and least, I’m the Mistic and Big Pharma used to be my nickname in High School. I had everything, uppers, downers, sidewaysers, dick slickers, Polish car bombs and obviously, pink nipple fritters and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!!!

On tonight’s stream of the Red Eye Report, we talk about the parents and family of mass murderers.
First off we have the Mistic. He’s no mass murderer, but he sure kills it in the handicap toilet stall! His new
Mandatory poop joke out of the way, next we have Teddy, and he named his penis; Steamboat Willie.
Then there’s Oracle. He just got the new PS4-VR setup, and the new game Dolphin Dinner Date. It’s an immersive experience where you take a dolphin out to the supper club and try to seduce them with clicks and whistles while hand feeding them fish sticks and old fashioneds. He’s been telling his girlfriend he’s playing “Papers Please”.
And I’m the Ashtray and my penis pump is called the Dong Dinger, and it has pinstripes!
And this is the Red Eye Report!!

On tonight’s stream of the Red Eye Report, we talk about the World’s Fair a.k.a the biggest dick measuring contest on the planet.
With me tonight is Teddy. He was actually a part of the 1982 World’s Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee. Teddy was inside one of those little R2D2 robots until a horse from one of the exhibitions kicks him over the rail and into the river. His life is showbiz hasn’t improved since.
Next to Teddy we have Ashtray. He was the DJ at the turn of the millennium party held in Hannover, Germany in 2000. Ashtray played all the big hits: Brittany Spears, Cher, Christina Aguilera. Then he tried slipping in some Limp Bizkit. Let’s just say they went Du Hast on his ass and he was never invited back.
We also have Mistic. He was at the expo of ‘74 in Spokane, Washington. The event was supposed to be about “Celebrating Tomorrow’s Fresh Environment.” The global hippies couldn’t have anticipated Mistic’s unique scent of 4 month without a shower ball cheese, regurgitated pubes, and taco bell diarrhea. Attendance for the expo ended up being the lowest recorded in 100 years.
Finally there's me, Oracle. My last fair was 1893 in Chicago— you know, the most important one, The World’s Colombian Exposition. There was a lot of cocaine. Oh yeah, and some dipshit invented the zipper….because he was high on cocaine. Ohhhh the good ole days. This is the Red Eye Report.